To Those Who Need Purpose in Their Lives;
Just when you thought my boring, calorie-filled, completely unimportant Russian shenanigans were over, I have decided to bring a completely new meaning to your otherwise empty lives with the reinstatement of this blog (and yes, I did have to break out the right click-scroll down-synonyms to find another word for "meaningless." Please don't judge me.) Anyway, I figured that right now you're probably feeling like this:
So, without any further ado, let's get down to business. (I figured you're gonna need a pump-up song before you embark on this extremely boring journey of reading every excruciating detail that I find worthy of telling you.)
First item of business: the host family. Like you, I was a bit apprehensive that I would never be able to find someone quite as flamboyant and cabbage-obsessed as the great Mama Masha, but, as someone famous in history may have said at one point, it was time to jump out of my comfort bubble and into the sea of host families that Russia has to offer. As I don't have any pictures of my new family (and as copying the pictures they do have costs 6 rubles per page,) I'll try my best to find family-friendly internet photographs that accurately depict them. Also, since it would take, like, forever to actually find something that even remotely resembled them online, I'm just going to type their basic descriptions into the Google search engine and see what comes up. Therefore, there may be some slightly inaccurate representations.
Алёна (Alyona)- the Mama Bear.
Overall, except for the fact that she's about 20 pounds lighter and owns at least four times as many thongs, Alyona is pretty similar to Mama Masha. We share an affinity for vodka, sleeping until noon, and eating by ourselves in the dead of night, which has made us what the cool kids call "BFFL's." She also calls me "умница" (umnitsa, or smart one,) whenever I manage to correctly heat up my cheese-covered noodles and ground beef in the microwave, which I quite appreciate.
Here is a picture of Алёна.
Пётр (Pyotr)- Papa Bear
Pyotr is a solemn man with serene eyes and a thoughtful disposition. He also spends a lot of money on bad haircuts and chocolate (just one of the many conversation topics we use to connect.) He doesn't talk much, except for occasionally describing the plots of historical films on television, which he can't seem to get enough of. I can pretty honestly say that me and Pyotr is like peas and carrots.
Валера (Valera)- Big Brother Bear
Like his father, Valera is also quite solemn. In fact, the only time I see him is when I come home from my Russian shenanigans and can't quite figure out how to make the key turn, so he has to come and let me in. We exchange a brusque "privyet" and run to our rooms. On a more concerning note, he hasn't been to school in the entire six weeks I've been here. According to his mother, he's sick. Either he's mastered the art of the fake fever or his mom's just really gullible. Here is Valera.
Ваня (Vanya)- Baby Bear
At seven years-old, Vanya rounds out the human portion of the family with his almost-mullet and obsession with television. For the most part, he's a pretty nifty kid, except for the fact that it's almost impossible to understand him when he talks. However, he has taught me the words for "gloves," "snail," and "fungus," all of which I use on an almost day-to-day basis. He also watches a lot of inappropriate television, but maybe he has an old soul. Here's Vanya.
Ян (Yahn)- Devil in the Form of a Dog
Like all things in life, Yahn can be cute if he lies completely still next to the couch and doesn't make noise. However, most of the time he's biting holes in my socks. He also peed on my bed a few weeks ago. I left a note on the kitchen table telling my host parents to "look at my blankets." I wanted to say, "your stupid dog relieved himself on my bed and I need you to change the sheets before I go to sleep tonight," but I had to leave and that seemed too complicated to try and puzzle out. I actually do have a picture of Yahn, though.
Cockatoo 1 and Cockatoo 2
The family cockatoos.
Няня (NyaNya)- the Nanny.
The every-Tuesday-Thursday caretaker, Няня is basically the matchmaker from Mulan in disguise. I try to avoid the house when she's in session, but when we're in the same room, it's pretty much a one-on-one dodgeball fight with her bringing the hurt and me silently shoving food in my mouth, my only defense my already below-average self-confidence and my less-than-three-years Russian experience. So far, she has managed to tell me this:
-I don't talk enough (Well, yeah, lady; generally one person has to stop talking every once and a while for a conversation to take place.)
-I don't eat enough (This is only because I try to eat outside of the house so as to avoid spending time in her presence.)
-My bedspread has a stain on it (Okay, so this is true. I spilled blueberry jam on it.)
-I don't clean my room (True again. But I like my bed to feel like a giant nest.)
-I should have a husband (I'll get right on that after I finish re-watching season 3 of Justice League. And you wonder why my only form of love life is between me and my Dove Chocolate Promise candies.)
-My face is too fat to find a husband (Well you know what, Nanny? Your fingers are fat.)
She looks just like this.
Well, for those of you who are still reading (what up, Mom and Dad?) I leave you here. Please excuse the horrible grammar. The semester has not been kind to me.
PS- Did you know that Urkel looks like this now????
There is hope for me yet. Also, this came up when I typed in "Russian boy with mullet"
Accurate. Well, so long. Join me next time when I talk about the glorious phenomenon that is Pancake Week.
Just when you thought my boring, calorie-filled, completely unimportant Russian shenanigans were over, I have decided to bring a completely new meaning to your otherwise empty lives with the reinstatement of this blog (and yes, I did have to break out the right click-scroll down-synonyms to find another word for "meaningless." Please don't judge me.) Anyway, I figured that right now you're probably feeling like this:
 |
| What I looked like when I discovered that my favorite blini place serves free packets of Nutella with every blin you order |
First item of business: the host family. Like you, I was a bit apprehensive that I would never be able to find someone quite as flamboyant and cabbage-obsessed as the great Mama Masha, but, as someone famous in history may have said at one point, it was time to jump out of my comfort bubble and into the sea of host families that Russia has to offer. As I don't have any pictures of my new family (and as copying the pictures they do have costs 6 rubles per page,) I'll try my best to find family-friendly internet photographs that accurately depict them. Also, since it would take, like, forever to actually find something that even remotely resembled them online, I'm just going to type their basic descriptions into the Google search engine and see what comes up. Therefore, there may be some slightly inaccurate representations.
Алёна (Alyona)- the Mama Bear.
Overall, except for the fact that she's about 20 pounds lighter and owns at least four times as many thongs, Alyona is pretty similar to Mama Masha. We share an affinity for vodka, sleeping until noon, and eating by ourselves in the dead of night, which has made us what the cool kids call "BFFL's." She also calls me "умница" (umnitsa, or smart one,) whenever I manage to correctly heat up my cheese-covered noodles and ground beef in the microwave, which I quite appreciate.
Here is a picture of Алёна.
 |
Pyotr is a solemn man with serene eyes and a thoughtful disposition. He also spends a lot of money on bad haircuts and chocolate (just one of the many conversation topics we use to connect.) He doesn't talk much, except for occasionally describing the plots of historical films on television, which he can't seem to get enough of. I can pretty honestly say that me and Pyotr is like peas and carrots.
 |
| This came up when I typed in his description so...yeah. That's Peter. |
Like his father, Valera is also quite solemn. In fact, the only time I see him is when I come home from my Russian shenanigans and can't quite figure out how to make the key turn, so he has to come and let me in. We exchange a brusque "privyet" and run to our rooms. On a more concerning note, he hasn't been to school in the entire six weeks I've been here. According to his mother, he's sick. Either he's mastered the art of the fake fever or his mom's just really gullible. Here is Valera.
 |
| It was either him or the kid with the tattoo sleeve. |
At seven years-old, Vanya rounds out the human portion of the family with his almost-mullet and obsession with television. For the most part, he's a pretty nifty kid, except for the fact that it's almost impossible to understand him when he talks. However, he has taught me the words for "gloves," "snail," and "fungus," all of which I use on an almost day-to-day basis. He also watches a lot of inappropriate television, but maybe he has an old soul. Here's Vanya.
 |
| Except blond. |
Like all things in life, Yahn can be cute if he lies completely still next to the couch and doesn't make noise. However, most of the time he's biting holes in my socks. He also peed on my bed a few weeks ago. I left a note on the kitchen table telling my host parents to "look at my blankets." I wanted to say, "your stupid dog relieved himself on my bed and I need you to change the sheets before I go to sleep tonight," but I had to leave and that seemed too complicated to try and puzzle out. I actually do have a picture of Yahn, though.
 |
| Don't look him directly in the eyes- you'll spend the rest of your life paralyzed from the neck down. |
The family cockatoos.
 |
| Cockatoos |
Няня (NyaNya)- the Nanny.
The every-Tuesday-Thursday caretaker, Няня is basically the matchmaker from Mulan in disguise. I try to avoid the house when she's in session, but when we're in the same room, it's pretty much a one-on-one dodgeball fight with her bringing the hurt and me silently shoving food in my mouth, my only defense my already below-average self-confidence and my less-than-three-years Russian experience. So far, she has managed to tell me this:
-I don't talk enough (Well, yeah, lady; generally one person has to stop talking every once and a while for a conversation to take place.)
-I don't eat enough (This is only because I try to eat outside of the house so as to avoid spending time in her presence.)
-My bedspread has a stain on it (Okay, so this is true. I spilled blueberry jam on it.)
-I don't clean my room (True again. But I like my bed to feel like a giant nest.)
-I should have a husband (I'll get right on that after I finish re-watching season 3 of Justice League. And you wonder why my only form of love life is between me and my Dove Chocolate Promise candies.)
-My face is too fat to find a husband (Well you know what, Nanny? Your fingers are fat.)
She looks just like this.
 |
| See that? That's her waving good-bye to your dignity. |
PS- Did you know that Urkel looks like this now????
There is hope for me yet. Also, this came up when I typed in "Russian boy with mullet"
Accurate. Well, so long. Join me next time when I talk about the glorious phenomenon that is Pancake Week.
