To Those Who Enjoy Long Walks on the Beach;
So, I know I said that my next post would be about Pancake Week, but you know what? Life is cruel and unpredictable and can be known to deal a solid left hook to the jaw every once and a while. Get used to it. Instead, I found myself inspired to describe in extensive, poorly-written detail the basic Russian stereotypes and whether or not they hold any truth (because let's face it- there are some stereotypes that are so accurate they could out-shoot Hawkeye in the World Pea Shooting Championships.) If you were born under a star-spangled rock and have never before in your life heard a Russian generalization, then please sit back, grab some Freedom Fries, and prepare to embark on a journey of knowledge.
1. Bears walk freely wherever they please.
WRONG.
Unless you're ingesting some form of bath salts, you will not see any bears on the streets. There is a mighty handsome bear pelt in a store near my home that I'm considering buying and laying on my apartment floor so that Alan Rickman and Gerard Butler can lie shirtless on it and sing me love songs, but that's about it. If you want to see a bear, stick to Google Images. Or, you know, roll yourself in some meat juice and wander around the woods.
2. Russian women are absolutely gorgeous until they turn about 45, when they go through a sort of species-change and become the babushka (бабушка.)
CORRECT
Really, I don't know what it is about the Russian female population, but it's like they're all way-less-cute pokemon who mean-mug you and judge your choice of jeans instead of repeating their names in adorable voices. I have yet to see one breathe fire, but who knows- maybe if you throw a ball at them it'll open up and suck them in. Seriously, they start out like this...
...And end up like this.
I don't know what it is that does it, but somewhere around their 45th birthday, they undergo a strange transformation that adds 30 pounds, replaces their short skirts with mumu's, and bends their spine so that they constantly walk at a 90-degree angle.
4. All Russians are dirty Commies
Every Russian Drinks Like a Fish After a Marathon
INCORRECT...kind of.
Okay, so Russians do like their vodka. My friends and I quickly learned that, when it comes to taking shots at parties, “no” means “yes” and “yes” means “just pour the whole flipping bottle down my throat, comrade.” And there was one time when I came home to my drunken host mother sleeping on top of the kitchen table (don’t worry, I was able to reach under her and get my pack of cookies with no major disturbances.) But, other than that, Russians are actually a relatively sober people. Most students even refuse to drink on school days, which makes for an awkward situation when the Americans are cleaning the place out of its beer supply while the Russians sip at their pear juice.FALSE
Russians Don't Smile
CORRECT!
Okay, so it's not like Russians don't smile--if you're their friend, or if you're at a party or bar with them, they'll smile like they're a regular Buddy the Elf. But out in public, you better think twice before flashing your pearly whites to that boy sitting across from you on the metro. In your friendly, naive American mind, of course, you're probably just saying, "Hey, bucko, I don't know you, but I'd like to wish you a swell day with lots of sunshine and ice cream!" In Russian social-speak, however, you might as well have just said, "Hey, I don't know you, but why don't you follow me home to my chamber where we can make sweet, passionate love all night?" Seriously, in the Motherland, a smile at a strange man is akin to laying out a path of rose petals leading straight to your chamber of secrets. If you smile at a woman, it's not quite that serious; if she's younger than 35, she'll just scoff and walk away. If she's older than that, she'll kill you with her laser beam eyes and leave your remains for the stray dogs.
Well, I think I've covered most of the main ones. My apologies if any of them sounded a tad bit angry, but I kind of consider myself the vigilante of Russian stereotypes. Still waiting on the medal from Putin. Anyway, I hope to do one more blog post before I head back to Amurrca for good- thanks for reading!
So, I know I said that my next post would be about Pancake Week, but you know what? Life is cruel and unpredictable and can be known to deal a solid left hook to the jaw every once and a while. Get used to it. Instead, I found myself inspired to describe in extensive, poorly-written detail the basic Russian stereotypes and whether or not they hold any truth (because let's face it- there are some stereotypes that are so accurate they could out-shoot Hawkeye in the World Pea Shooting Championships.) If you were born under a star-spangled rock and have never before in your life heard a Russian generalization, then please sit back, grab some Freedom Fries, and prepare to embark on a journey of knowledge.
1. Bears walk freely wherever they please.
Unless you're ingesting some form of bath salts, you will not see any bears on the streets. There is a mighty handsome bear pelt in a store near my home that I'm considering buying and laying on my apartment floor so that Alan Rickman and Gerard Butler can lie shirtless on it and sing me love songs, but that's about it. If you want to see a bear, stick to Google Images. Or, you know, roll yourself in some meat juice and wander around the woods.
2. Russian women are absolutely gorgeous until they turn about 45, when they go through a sort of species-change and become the babushka (бабушка.)
CORRECT
Really, I don't know what it is about the Russian female population, but it's like they're all way-less-cute pokemon who mean-mug you and judge your choice of jeans instead of repeating their names in adorable voices. I have yet to see one breathe fire, but who knows- maybe if you throw a ball at them it'll open up and suck them in. Seriously, they start out like this...
...And end up like this.
 |
| Congratulations! Your hot Russian girl has evolved into...babushka! |
4. All Russians are dirty Commies
WRONG!
Don’t let Mitt Romney
fool you—we are no longer in the 1960’s. Despite what many an old conservative white man might tell you, THE COLD WAR IS OVER. And, although
they’re still working out quite a few of those good ole’ capitalism kinks (the
term “service with a smile” remains relatively unfamiliar to them,) they do not
have a communist government. Sure, there’s corruption, and sure, it may seem as
if the ageless Putin has been president for the last eighty years, but—and I
cannot stress this enough—not every Russian is a secret police member whose
initiative is to shoot down bald eagles and the meaning of freedom with nukes
and vodka-fueled fits of rage. There is NO NEED to feel as if we must
infiltrate the Motherland and go Amurrca on e’rrbody’s ass. In fact, I even got
a free fruit plate out of being American one time. And how do we react to them?
By making them the villains in our movies and depicting every Russian man as a
walking hammer-and-sickle-sporting vodka vessel with a thick beard and an
equally thick accent. Also, the word “comrade” is rarely used in Russia. In
fact, the only people who use it are the Americans studying abroad. Also, this isn’t a stereotype, but the word for “comrade” in Russian
is товарищ, or tovarisch. How we translated that to “comrade,”
I will never know.
Every Russian Drinks Like a Fish After a Marathon
INCORRECT...kind of.
Okay, so Russians do like their vodka. My friends and I quickly learned that, when it comes to taking shots at parties, “no” means “yes” and “yes” means “just pour the whole flipping bottle down my throat, comrade.” And there was one time when I came home to my drunken host mother sleeping on top of the kitchen table (don’t worry, I was able to reach under her and get my pack of cookies with no major disturbances.) But, other than that, Russians are actually a relatively sober people. Most students even refuse to drink on school days, which makes for an awkward situation when the Americans are cleaning the place out of its beer supply while the Russians sip at their pear juice.FALSE
Russians Don't Smile
Okay, so it's not like Russians don't smile--if you're their friend, or if you're at a party or bar with them, they'll smile like they're a regular Buddy the Elf. But out in public, you better think twice before flashing your pearly whites to that boy sitting across from you on the metro. In your friendly, naive American mind, of course, you're probably just saying, "Hey, bucko, I don't know you, but I'd like to wish you a swell day with lots of sunshine and ice cream!" In Russian social-speak, however, you might as well have just said, "Hey, I don't know you, but why don't you follow me home to my chamber where we can make sweet, passionate love all night?" Seriously, in the Motherland, a smile at a strange man is akin to laying out a path of rose petals leading straight to your chamber of secrets. If you smile at a woman, it's not quite that serious; if she's younger than 35, she'll just scoff and walk away. If she's older than that, she'll kill you with her laser beam eyes and leave your remains for the stray dogs.
Well, I think I've covered most of the main ones. My apologies if any of them sounded a tad bit angry, but I kind of consider myself the vigilante of Russian stereotypes. Still waiting on the medal from Putin. Anyway, I hope to do one more blog post before I head back to Amurrca for good- thanks for reading!
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