In Which I Get Naked

To Those About to Rock;

First and foremost, I would like to apologize for and warn you about my declining abilities in the English language. I have found that, as my Russian skills continue to remain stagnant, my knowledge of the English language is decreasing, leaving me to stumble around St. Petersburg communicating in grunts and interpretive dance.

Anyway, I have received numerous requests (all from my mother) to explain an average school day. Please buckle your seat belts, because by the end of the wild ride that is a day in the life of (Russian) Alyssa Lindley, your boat may be so rocked that you'll never recover again. I will write it in schedule-form so as to vary my blogging style.

8:00: I am woken up to the sound of my host mother pounding at the door and yelling, "АЛИСА, ИДИ КУШАТЬ!" or (ALYSSA, COME EAT!) Normally, my expression looks something like this:

After scarfing down an absolutely scrumptious breakfast of either kasha, blini, or blinochki, my host mother comments on how much I am able to eat (and this is actually a true statement,) and I trudge on over to my room to get dressed. After I одеваюсь (odevayus, or dress,) I look something like this:

9:00: I board the Приморская (Primorskaya) metro station and partake on the uncomfortably sweaty journey to school. The Russian metros are actually some of the deepest in the world (around 105 meters below ground,) with each elevator ride lasting about three minutes; when you board it you can't see the bottom, and it slightly resembles a tunnel to hell. In all my travels, I have determined that the real purgatory is actually a never-ending ride on the St. Petersburg metro escalator. Nice try, Dante.

10:00 (but more like 10:05): I arrive for classes. I won't really go into detail, since most of the time I just doodle and/or eat cream puffs, but I will show you this picture of my literature teacher Vladimir:

Here is a video of another class he taught (if it's actually working:)
http://vk.com/video?id=11201322&section=tagged&z=video-19974845_157613853

Don't worry about not being able to understand it; it makes just as much sense to me. See the confused and slightly embarrassed looks on the kids' faces? Yup, that's every Monday and Thursday for a glorious one hour and thirty minutes of Vladimir Shatsev.

2:30: I EAT. For the price of 110 Rubles, I am able to purchase mediocre soup, a mediocre pastry, mediocre chicken, and CIROK! For all of you Americans, Cirok is basically chocolate-covered cheesecake. I don't know why it hasn't made its way over to the good ole U.S. of A. yet, but I have a theory that if I bring some back and put them on a stick, they will instantly become a sensation. Also, in case you were curious, when I typed in "Russian Cirok" to find a picture for you, the only search option was "Miley Cyrus Asian." That doesn't have to do with any of my blog, but I just thought you should know.

Cirok

What I look like whilst eating Cirok.

3:30: Go on Russian adventures!

9:00: Get home, watch bad Russian TV, do homework, go to bed.

Well, that is a typical day. If you are still reading, I will now continue to talk about one of the oldest and possibly strangest Russian traditions:

THE BANYA

I hope that impressed you. Anyway, a banya is basically the Russian version of a communal bath. However, as it is Russia, there is so much more to it than sitting around and stewing in your own filth. No, you have to beat the filth off. Let me tell you the "down-low," as the cool kids would say it.

So, last Tuesday, my program director Katya, eight girls, and I bundled up and metro-ed on over to a seemingly normal building hidden in an alley. We got in, crowded into an elevator, and found our designated room. And then, we got naked.

A picture of the banya. Sorry about the poor quality, but it was a little steamy.

Once we had de-clothed, we filed into the room. Now, for those of you who don't know me, I have a little problem with perspiration. For those of you who do know me, you are probably clawing at your eyes at the thought of me stewing in a 235-degree room. Needless to say, it was bad. Several small animals drowned.

So, after sitting in the hot room for as long as your body can handle it (or until your eyes start to feel a strange burning sensation,) you totter on out and jump (or in my case, wade) into a VERY cold pool. After you've cooled down, you totter on back into the room. The process then repeats. Meanwhile, you're trying to ignore the fact that you are crowded into a room in the nude with eight girls you've known for about three weeks and trying not to permanently blind them with your albino skin. 

But is that it? No, of course that's not it, for this is Russia. After so long, you become bored of the "cold pool to hot room" thing. So what do you do then? Bring out the birch branches. You lie down on your stomach while someone else (in this case Katya,) brings in a bouquet (do branches come in bouquets?) of birch branches. The other person then whacks the branches up and down your body. You turn onto your back, and the whacking is repeated. Here is a photo of the process: 

Unfortunately, the bearded man was extra

As weird as it sounds, the banya was actually a really awesome experience. It's been around Russia for ages, and it still remains an extremely integral part of the country's culture. So can you guess what time it is now? FACT TIME! During the Soviet Union, the government made an effort to ban banyas due to their "sexual connotations." However, as the Russian people considered it such an important part of their traditions, they fought to keep them open (which, if you know anything about historical Russian protests and the Russian "что делать?" or "What can you do?" mentality, is actually pretty astounding.) 

Also, I was quite delighted to find out that the banya has a "spirit" that dates back to very early Russian paganism. I introduce to you банник, or Bannik:

What a happy guy. Well, that's all for now, folks! On a side note, I really want to say thank you to all of my friends and family who have kept in contact with me and been asking about my time here. It means a lot to me, and I miss you all very much!

Пока пока!

PS- I know a lot of you have seen this before, but if you haven't and you're having a bad day, at least you're not this guy: